So, a long, long time ago in a galaxy that seems to be nonexistent, a friend asked me to write a review on Twilight by Stephenie Meyer. Being the level-headed, sane person that I was at the time, I said no. (The implication: people who do write reviews about/choose to read Twilight are...?) However, way too much time has passed since the request, and my sanity has long since vanished.
Yes, guys. I did it.
It took me about a year, but I managed to swallow the first novel in the Twilight Saga.
Now, I thought and I thought (for about half a second) whether I wanted to write a review, critiquing the novel, or if I wanted to write a review, praising the novel, but I decided that because I'm not particularly fond of assassination attempts that I would do a different sort of reader response: I'd write down several tips of advice (and some other extraneous comments) to characters from the first book. (However, I did end up writing a review on lustful-romance based books here if you want my serious take on Twilight's moral/spiritual side.)
Disclaimer: spoilers are included.
Disclaimer: if you try to murder me for this review, I am not held responsible for any blood, bruises, or broken bones that you may receive in my "self-defense".
Aaand...without further ado...
1. TO ALL THE "VEGETARIAN" VAMPIRES: So...apparently, smell is a big deal to you guys, right? Like...smell sets you off, and smell makes you hungry, and smell turns you into a blood-drinking monster. ...so...why don't you just keep clothes pins handy to wear when you're in risky situations involving blood? I mean, honestly, I'm not a very original girl, but this solution came to me before Edward had even finished sniffing out Bella in the forest.
STORY LOGIC.
2. TO JACOB: BRO CODE, Mother Seal, HAVE YOU HEARD OF IT?!
3. TO MIKE: BRO CODE, Mother Ugly, HAVE YOU HEARD OF IT?!
4. TO THE CULLENS: Okay, I get that you're all super strong and fast and whatever, but I guess your brain had to compensate in order to give your bodies all that power or something because, I mean, really. You're taking Bella, a normal human, to watch a baseball game up on a mountain...during a THUNDERstorm?! Screw those flipping vampires; aren't you taking into consideration that, with her luck, she'll get struck by LIGHTNING?!
HEESH.
Now we know how Edward REALLY feels.
5. TO EDWARD: Your vocal volume level seems to be stuck on either "murmur" or "bellow" at all times. Please visit your nearest car mechanic as soon as possible.
6. TO BELLA: You can - believe it or not - describe your boyfriend without using the words "stony", "cold", and "perfect", and you might actually at least appear to have an IQ over 20.
7. TO EDWARD: I don't know what's WRONG with you, idiot. I mean, goodness. bloody. gracious., the girl is in the HOSPITAL with PAIN MEDS. BITE HER. MAKE HER A VAMPIRE. Then you get her forever! Isn't that what you want?! She won't feel a THIIING, but, NOOO, we already clarified how you REALLY feel, and, obviously, you wouldn't care if Bella grew old and died as a withered raisin granny.
RIGHT.
8. TO BARBIE AND KE--I mean...BELLA AND EDWARD: I...don't...understand...either of you. Your relationship seems to be entirely based off of the fact that you both are super hot and intimidating in each others' eyes, because, I mean, for reals, Bella, could you still love Edward if he looked like Barney and was in the throes of raging diarrhea? Mhm. Mhm. Mhm. Relationships are built on more than scawy bodies, geniuses.
9. TO STEPHENIE MEYER: I'm sorry in advance for what I'm about to say. Apparently, since you're world-renowned and whatever, I should be taking a hint from you, but, honestly...the last four years' collection of entries from my journal are FAR more exciting than your...book.
For example, you expounded on Edward's clean, smooth skin quite a good bit, which is fair enough, but, when you're mentioning his skin in every single description paragraph of him, I...just...like, any girl with an IQ over 20 (which doesn't include Bella, I sadly understand) notices more than a dude's skin. Even the small things - the shadow that forms in his jaw when he grits his teeth, the acute veins along his forearm, the round vertebrae that peek out of the hem of his shirt on his sinewy neck - those can get us more than markless skin. Just. Saying.
Write on! ...but, if your name is Stephenie Meyer, please. We're good.
Clove
8.24.2014
8.16.2014
Dearest Diary~
*le doctor infomercial voice*
You have a poor writing life and
--you run or move around quite a bit without really feeling tired inside
--you feel an urge to tell personal sob stories to strangers
--you mope
--you eat a lot of junk food
--you feel as if you can't feel a single emotion and can feel every emotion all at the same time
--you snap at people more than normal
--you want to cry, but you can't
If you have one or more of these symptoms, you may have to take a non-journalling-itis test! This disease is very serious and rampant amongst authors who spend too much time experiencing life without the necessary means to expel their emotions. Do not take this message lightly! Avoidance will lead to death! (…eventually…) Once again, if you have one or more of these symptoms, you may have to do a non-journalling-itis test and begin your journalling rehabilitation sessions immediately!
*le doctor informercial voice goes away*
*back to my voice*
So yep, I'm here to blog about legit journalling today, and, before you run away, terrified that I'm leading you into some cultish writing habit, let me clarify what I mean by "journalling":
1.) You write whenever you feel like it. I don't want you to turn into one of those psychopathic ten year old girls who ritualistically cuddles up under their blankets at night with a flashlight to jot down the meaningless things they did that day. Just, if you've had a rough evening, if you met someone who really inspired you, if you had a great evening, an unheard pet peeve tirade, a problem that needs sorting out, anything that you feel passionately about, write about it. Whenever. Once a month. Twice a day. I don't care, just whenever you feel like you need to write.
2.) You write where it is easiest to write. If I tried to pump out 2000+ word entries on an actual piece of paper with a pen, I would most definitely do some damage to my hands…and, you know, I'd burn through trees pretty quick. Therefore, I email entries to myself and, at the subject line, put the date and the title of the journal entry. When the entries come into my inbox, I file them in a folder titled "Junior Journal" (versus last school year when the folder was titled "Sophomore Journal"). It's easiest for me (and private), so I do it. You do what's easiest for you.
3.) You write how you like to write. Yes, I still encourage the proper use of grammar and punctuation, but you should personalize everything about your journal so that you feel like you can relax and be yourself when writing, instead of trying to format everything into uncomfortable perfection. To be entirely honest, the only formatting rules that I have for my personal journal are 1.) start out each entry with "Dear Me" (because I'm speaking to myself) and 2.) end each entry with my name. That's it.
Okay? So, I'm not talking cutesy, silly, quaint; I'm talking personal, private, and comfortable.
But now presents the question as to why. Why go into all of this effort? Why will journalling help you get out of your non-journalling-itis problems?
Well, if you experience a lot of life without having a way to verbally, clearly vent all of your emotions, they can get bottled up and stuffed down inside of you, so that, when you sit down to write, you end up making miniature plot points about your life instead of keeping to an outline. Journalling allows you to get out your problems and rants and squeals and debates and passionate descriptions and calm analyses onto solid paper, draining you of all that blockading feeling.
Journalling also makes wonderful character development arcs. If you start journalling today, in a few years, you'll have quite a lot of well-written, raw emotion to work with and include into your stories in some form, shape, or fashion.
So try it out and see how it all works for you! Or, if you've been journalling before, let me know about some journalling benefits that you've experienced in the comment box below, and, as always...
Write on!
Clove
You have a poor writing life and
--you run or move around quite a bit without really feeling tired inside
--you feel an urge to tell personal sob stories to strangers
--you mope
--you eat a lot of junk food
--you feel as if you can't feel a single emotion and can feel every emotion all at the same time
--you snap at people more than normal
--you want to cry, but you can't
If you have one or more of these symptoms, you may have to take a non-journalling-itis test! This disease is very serious and rampant amongst authors who spend too much time experiencing life without the necessary means to expel their emotions. Do not take this message lightly! Avoidance will lead to death! (…eventually…) Once again, if you have one or more of these symptoms, you may have to do a non-journalling-itis test and begin your journalling rehabilitation sessions immediately!
*le doctor informercial voice goes away*
*back to my voice*
So yep, I'm here to blog about legit journalling today, and, before you run away, terrified that I'm leading you into some cultish writing habit, let me clarify what I mean by "journalling":
1.) You write whenever you feel like it. I don't want you to turn into one of those psychopathic ten year old girls who ritualistically cuddles up under their blankets at night with a flashlight to jot down the meaningless things they did that day. Just, if you've had a rough evening, if you met someone who really inspired you, if you had a great evening, an unheard pet peeve tirade, a problem that needs sorting out, anything that you feel passionately about, write about it. Whenever. Once a month. Twice a day. I don't care, just whenever you feel like you need to write.
2.) You write where it is easiest to write. If I tried to pump out 2000+ word entries on an actual piece of paper with a pen, I would most definitely do some damage to my hands…and, you know, I'd burn through trees pretty quick. Therefore, I email entries to myself and, at the subject line, put the date and the title of the journal entry. When the entries come into my inbox, I file them in a folder titled "Junior Journal" (versus last school year when the folder was titled "Sophomore Journal"). It's easiest for me (and private), so I do it. You do what's easiest for you.
3.) You write how you like to write. Yes, I still encourage the proper use of grammar and punctuation, but you should personalize everything about your journal so that you feel like you can relax and be yourself when writing, instead of trying to format everything into uncomfortable perfection. To be entirely honest, the only formatting rules that I have for my personal journal are 1.) start out each entry with "Dear Me" (because I'm speaking to myself) and 2.) end each entry with my name. That's it.
Okay? So, I'm not talking cutesy, silly, quaint; I'm talking personal, private, and comfortable.
But now presents the question as to why. Why go into all of this effort? Why will journalling help you get out of your non-journalling-itis problems?
Well, if you experience a lot of life without having a way to verbally, clearly vent all of your emotions, they can get bottled up and stuffed down inside of you, so that, when you sit down to write, you end up making miniature plot points about your life instead of keeping to an outline. Journalling allows you to get out your problems and rants and squeals and debates and passionate descriptions and calm analyses onto solid paper, draining you of all that blockading feeling.
Journalling also makes wonderful character development arcs. If you start journalling today, in a few years, you'll have quite a lot of well-written, raw emotion to work with and include into your stories in some form, shape, or fashion.
So try it out and see how it all works for you! Or, if you've been journalling before, let me know about some journalling benefits that you've experienced in the comment box below, and, as always...
Write on!
Clove
8.09.2014
Weird Writing Problems #1
Well, I've started to have this weird problem, guys. I write something down for my story, am satisfied with it, and then come back to look at it later, but it's gone. The writing has been destroyed, and I can't find a backup document of what I had put down anywhere. Of course, normally, it's not a big deal since I remember most of what I write down anyway and since I liked it so much that I can recall which words I used, but...still...
This has happened repeatedly, and I'm honestly not quite sure what to think of it.
On the other hand, I've started to get this hunch that I've got living-in-my-head-too-often-itis. More and more often, I've caught myself lying in bed at one in the morning, too tired to actually write but not tired enough to drift off, so I think of scenes that I want to write and actually write them in my head. When I come to my story a few days later, I expect the scene to be there, only it's not, and I don't see why it "disappeared" since I'm certain I wrote it.
Do any of you have this same sort of problem, or is it only me?
If you've got this sort of problem, you'll also know that you get a few other disappointments along the way, beginning with the obvious fact that you thought you put something down, but you didn't, and now you have to re-write it...but, also, you feel like you're getting way more writing done than you actually are. o.o
The only logical conclusion:
I'm going CRAAAAAZY!!!
Write on!
Clove
This has happened repeatedly, and I'm honestly not quite sure what to think of it.
On the other hand, I've started to get this hunch that I've got living-in-my-head-too-often-itis. More and more often, I've caught myself lying in bed at one in the morning, too tired to actually write but not tired enough to drift off, so I think of scenes that I want to write and actually write them in my head. When I come to my story a few days later, I expect the scene to be there, only it's not, and I don't see why it "disappeared" since I'm certain I wrote it.
Do any of you have this same sort of problem, or is it only me?
If you've got this sort of problem, you'll also know that you get a few other disappointments along the way, beginning with the obvious fact that you thought you put something down, but you didn't, and now you have to re-write it...but, also, you feel like you're getting way more writing done than you actually are. o.o
The only logical conclusion:
I'm going CRAAAAAZY!!!
Write on!
Clove
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