So, a long, long time ago in a galaxy that seems to be nonexistent, a friend asked me to write a review on Twilight by Stephenie Meyer. Being the level-headed, sane person that I was at the time, I said no. (The implication: people who do write reviews about/choose to read Twilight are...?) However, way too much time has passed since the request, and my sanity has long since vanished.
Yes, guys. I did it.
It took me about a year, but I managed to swallow the first novel in the Twilight Saga.
Now, I thought and I thought (for about half a second) whether I wanted to write a review, critiquing the novel, or if I wanted to write a review, praising the novel, but I decided that because I'm not particularly fond of assassination attempts that I would do a different sort of reader response: I'd write down several tips of advice (and some other extraneous comments) to characters from the first book. (However, I did end up writing a review on lustful-romance based books here if you want my serious take on Twilight's moral/spiritual side.)
Disclaimer: spoilers are included.
Disclaimer: if you try to murder me for this review, I am not held responsible for any blood, bruises, or broken bones that you may receive in my "self-defense".
Aaand...without further ado...
1. TO ALL THE "VEGETARIAN" VAMPIRES: So...apparently, smell is a big deal to you guys, right? Like...smell sets you off, and smell makes you hungry, and smell turns you into a blood-drinking monster. ...so...why don't you just keep clothes pins handy to wear when you're in risky situations involving blood? I mean, honestly, I'm not a very original girl, but this solution came to me before Edward had even finished sniffing out Bella in the forest.
STORY LOGIC.
2. TO JACOB: BRO CODE, Mother Seal, HAVE YOU HEARD OF IT?!
3. TO MIKE: BRO CODE, Mother Ugly, HAVE YOU HEARD OF IT?!
4. TO THE CULLENS: Okay, I get that you're all super strong and fast and whatever, but I guess your brain had to compensate in order to give your bodies all that power or something because, I mean, really. You're taking Bella, a normal human, to watch a baseball game up on a mountain...during a THUNDERstorm?! Screw those flipping vampires; aren't you taking into consideration that, with her luck, she'll get struck by LIGHTNING?!
HEESH.
Now we know how Edward REALLY feels.
5. TO EDWARD: Your vocal volume level seems to be stuck on either "murmur" or "bellow" at all times. Please visit your nearest car mechanic as soon as possible.
6. TO BELLA: You can - believe it or not - describe your boyfriend without using the words "stony", "cold", and "perfect", and you might actually at least appear to have an IQ over 20.
7. TO EDWARD: I don't know what's WRONG with you, idiot. I mean, goodness. bloody. gracious., the girl is in the HOSPITAL with PAIN MEDS. BITE HER. MAKE HER A VAMPIRE. Then you get her forever! Isn't that what you want?! She won't feel a THIIING, but, NOOO, we already clarified how you REALLY feel, and, obviously, you wouldn't care if Bella grew old and died as a withered raisin granny.
RIGHT.
8. TO BARBIE AND KE--I mean...BELLA AND EDWARD: I...don't...understand...either of you. Your relationship seems to be entirely based off of the fact that you both are super hot and intimidating in each others' eyes, because, I mean, for reals, Bella, could you still love Edward if he looked like Barney and was in the throes of raging diarrhea? Mhm. Mhm. Mhm. Relationships are built on more than scawy bodies, geniuses.
9. TO STEPHENIE MEYER: I'm sorry in advance for what I'm about to say. Apparently, since you're world-renowned and whatever, I should be taking a hint from you, but, honestly...the last four years' collection of entries from my journal are FAR more exciting than your...book.
For example, you expounded on Edward's clean, smooth skin quite a good bit, which is fair enough, but, when you're mentioning his skin in every single description paragraph of him, I...just...like, any girl with an IQ over 20 (which doesn't include Bella, I sadly understand) notices more than a dude's skin. Even the small things - the shadow that forms in his jaw when he grits his teeth, the acute veins along his forearm, the round vertebrae that peek out of the hem of his shirt on his sinewy neck - those can get us more than markless skin. Just. Saying.
Write on! ...but, if your name is Stephenie Meyer, please. We're good.
Clove
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